Posted on August 9, 2010 - by Megan
Marriage beats dating, hands down
I am so glad I don’t have to date anymore. Truth be told, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Marriage is a thousand times better. In my experience, dating was an anxiety-producing—albeit necessary—means to an end. While dating is often billed as exciting and romantic, I think the benefits of marriage leave dating in the dust. Here are a few reasons why:
You can finally stop sucking in your stomach when you walk to the bathroom
Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. How many times have you gotten up from a romantic dinner and quickly reminded yourself to suck in your stomach as you head to the loo? Personally, more times than I could count. It’s as though we think the one-inch we can “suck it in” will make it or break it. It’s exhausting—in part, because you aren’t breathing! There’s a lot of “not breathing” in dating, literally and figuratively. Being married gives you permission to exhale and rest in the love of your spouse, knowing that you are seen and wanted just as you are—there is no need to be more or less than that.
You don’t have to pretend that you look naturally beautiful early in the morning
I remember waking up on the first day of my marriage. While Joel was still sleeping, I snuck into the bathroom to put on a bit of make-up, brush my teeth, and put my hair back in place. I was careful not to look “done” but I certainly didn’t want to look “undone.” I laugh now as I think about how absurd this was.
Here’s the truth: natural beauty is a lie. It takes a lot of work to look like you rolled out of bed looking effortlessly gorgeous. “Natural” often looks a lot less like perfectly tousled hair and a glowing naked face, and a lot more like bed-head and blemishes. When you are dating, you get yourself together before being together. When you are married you are just together, messy or not.
You can finally eat without fear
I always felt self-conscious eating on a date. Ordering from a menu was a field full of potential land mines. One wrong step could end the whole thing. Choose the chicken and you’re the kind of girl who doesn’t take risks. Order the steak, and you might as well say that your upkeep won’t be cheap. Order the salad, and you are finicky and self-obsessed. Oh, the pressure! It’s enough to keep a girl home alone in her PJ’s on a Friday night with the shades drawn.
When you’re married, you don’t have to think about any of that, because your spouse already likes you. Your focus shifts from trying to present yourself in an attractive light to simply enjoy the company of your favorite person.
You can talk about the future without measuring your words
The word “future” seems off-limits when you are dating. Bring up the word too early and you might as well take your date’s hand and press the eject button with it. He’s gone. The unspoken rule is that you are only allowed to talk about the future after your date has brought it up first, and not past the level that he has initiated. If you’re like me, talking about the future rings your bells, so this can be very hard.
When you’re married, you can talk about the future all you want. After all, you’ve already promised your future to each other, so there’s no reason for either of you to feel insecure or threatened by the topic. Yesterday, Joel and I worked on our life plan (more to come in a later post). It was a blast to dream together about our future, getting aligned on our values and goals as a couple and as a family.
In short, being married is like getting to wear your favorite jeans every day to work instead of an itchy dress shirt and necktie. It is an incredibly blessing to be totally at ease in the company another “as long as we both shall live.”
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13. Aug, 2010
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About Me
My name is Megan Hyatt Miller. I'm a little Emmilou Harris, a little Bonnie Rait, and a dash of Paula Dean—mostly because I identify with her unbridled use of butter and ample hips. I am passionate about living and telling a good story. I'm a wife, a stepmom and and an adoptive mom. I am passionate about adoption, racial reconciliation, and creating beauty and a sense belonging for those I love. To learn more, click here. Thanks for stopping by.
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August 9, 2010
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Cyberquill said:
Personally, I neither date, although I used to on occasion, nor am I, nor have I ever been, married. (Not as a matter of principle. Just as a matter of the chips falling wherever they fall.)
As a more or less uninvolved and hence neutral observer, though, it seems to me that, on balance, getting married merely swaps one set of difficulties for a different one.
Most likely, someone else somewhere just wrote a blog post listing a bunch of reasons why dating is so much better than being married.
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August 9, 2010
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BarbEzell said:
Love this, what an encouragement. marriage may not be perfect, but you are right, it is a whale load better & different than dating
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August 9, 2010
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ThatGuyKC said:
Megan, I LOVE this!!
Dating totally stinks compared to marriage. Thanks for the humorous reminder.
“being married is like getting to wear your favorite jeans every day to work instead of an itchy dress shirt and necktie” -brilliant!!
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August 9, 2010
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Robert Wolgemuth said:
Megan: This is a wonderful post. After almost 41 years of exactly what you’ve written, Bobbie and could not agree more. Someday when you and Joel’s kiddos are grown and gone, then every night is Friday night. Sort of back to a dating model. We love you and miss you…and are very proud of you. Robert
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August 9, 2010
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Megan said:
Robert,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I appreciate the role model that you and Bobbie are for a lasting and loving marriage. It means the world to those of us who are just getting started. Great to hear from you! Lots of love to you guys.
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August 9, 2010
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Michael Stover said:
As a man, I frankly never knew all a woman went through on a simple date! I guess for females of the species, there is no such thing as a “simple date”. But I can vouch for the calm and relaxation of being married. I love my wife and my marriage! I have never been and to date am never more relaxed than with my spouse. We love each other as we are, and are investing heavily in one another to aid the other’s betterment. There is nothing like such a God-ordained partnership!
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August 9, 2010
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Megan said:
Michael,
You have no idea:) No such thing as simple, that’s for sure. Sounds like you are blessed to have a marriage like mine. May it only get better!
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August 9, 2010
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Ed Hird said:
Great article. My wife and I have been married 30 years. I would fully agree. The focus for my part-doctorate is on strengthening marriage and family. Here is a weblink to my article “Managing Anger in Marital Conflict”
http://bit.ly/2ZbZxw
Ed Hird+
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August 9, 2010
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taranicole said:
What a wonderful post! Thank you!! My mom and I sat at lunch and laughed while we read it!
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August 9, 2010
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Megan said:
Tara,
Glad you and your mom enjoyed it. Dating and marriage are full of opportunities for humor, no question.
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August 9, 2010
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Megan said:
Megan-
I knew it! I’m single and have always thought marriage must be better than dating…thanks for confirming it!
I too struggle with dating feeling like a means to an end, but I’m making an effort every time I go on a date to just enjoy it! In everything, part of the fun should be the journey, right?
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August 9, 2010
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Kurt said:
You had me smiling the whole time I was reading Megan. Great post!
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August 9, 2010
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Megan said:
Thanks, Kurt!
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August 9, 2010
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Blessing mpofu said:
Great post Meg! Makes me look forward to marriage all the more. Would love to hear more from you on your life plan (as a couple). Perhaps get your husband to do a guest post on the same subject but from a guy’s perspective
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August 9, 2010
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Megan said:
Oh, great idea! I’ll have to talk to him about it. He has a great perspective on almost everything–but then again, I might be biased:)
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August 9, 2010
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Joe Burnham said:
I’ve never read your posts before, so forgive me if commenting is out of place, but this one was shared by someone on my Google Reader feed.
It seems to me that your post highlights part of what’s wrong with the whole modern dating process. I’ve often defined dating as, “Pretending to be someone we’re not so we can get to know each other.”
The problem is, when both parties put on a show, what happens when marriage does happen and they finally relax and reveal their true selves? While not putting on the show is comforting, what happens when you fell in love with the show as opposed to this new person? I’ve counseled many through that difficult time (some successfully, some not) … and lived through it myself.
While I’m glad marriage can allow us to relax, wouldn’t it be better if we never bothered with the show in the first place? It seems that would add a whole new level of comfort in marriage, one that says, “This person got to know the real me and promised to love me for the rest of my life anyway.”
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August 10, 2010
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Megan said:
Absolutely! It was exactly like that when I was dating my husband Joel (but not like that before when I dated other people). I think that is the reason that we ended up getting married and enjoy being married so much now.
Thanks for your wise words. I couldn’t agree more.
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August 10, 2010
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Kyle Reed said:
Well I didn’t know it was so stressful for women on dates.
Now I will be watching every time a girl gets up from the table. The only problem is I do the same thing, so it is stressful for me too.
I do think the last one is universal. I was always very cautious about discussion of the future, but mainly because I didn’t want to assume things nor scare the girl.
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August 10, 2010
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Blue J said:
I’m saddened by the truth in your words. Marriage is the goal, and post marriage is the comfort zone we settle into. No longer is it necessary to look our best or try our hardest. The prize has been collected, the race is over, the training no longer required to stay fit for or qualified. After 25 years of marriage, I can understand the misery of it all. I can see why so many quit: because they quit years earlier with the public proclamation, “I do”.
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August 10, 2010
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Megan said:
Blue J.,
I often say to my husband that being married is much better than getting married–for us, it was about being married, not just checking it off our list. Our desire is to grow in our ability to love and serve each other as the years go by. Too often, perhaps, grow ends at the altar. A good reminder to be diligent to never stop learning how to love better and more fully. Thanks for you thoughts.
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August 10, 2010
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lusiana susanto said:
GREAT post! Though I’m single n not married yet..at the moment… But its a very true post
I ♡ it
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August 10, 2010
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Calin said:
Although all the points you touched are true, you missed an important one, which is “getting rid” of an increasing sexual tension between the partners. Of course all this makes sense if both partners understand to postpone this moment after the wedding.