Posted on August 24, 2010 - by Megan
What Women Want: The Man Template
I might be biased, but I think my husband could serve as the ideal man template for every single girl in the world. As someone who got married a little later, I have had my share of relationship misadventures, including a broken engagement. Consequently, I’ve become something of an expert on the not-so-ideal-man template.
As a woman with a strong personality, most of the guys I dated before meeting Joel either tried to control me, make me smaller, or were passive. When I met Joel, I instantly knew something was different. With every day that goes by, I discover more and more ways in which is defines what it means to be a man.
A Man Takes Initiative
As I talk to my single girlfriends and reflect on my own experience, this is the trait that most often seems lacking, and yet, the one that is perhaps most essentially masculine. It may be the most important aspect of a healthy relationship between a husband and a wife. From day one, Joel was willing to step up and take risks on my behalf and on behalf of our relationship.
It might seem like initiative and pursuit is romantic expression that is only really necessary during courtship. Wrong. In marriage, a husband must take risks on behalf of his wife and family all the time. He must be willing to press into difficulty and conflict. He must lead and go first. Courtship is the place where you see if he has the character to do this in the real world of marriage.
My nature during a conflict is to retreat or shut down emotionally. In the face of this, Joel always pursues me. He comes after me emotionally. He won’t let me go. His initiative makes me feel incredibly secure and safe.
A Man Encourages Your Passions
I am a very passionate person. I have big ideas and big dreams. When I get excited about something, I’m in 100%. In the past, I have often felt like I was “too much” for the men I dated. Not with Joel. What I love about him is that is he right there with me. He never tries to make me smaller than I am. Instead, he encourages me to grow and be all that God has made me to be. This breathes life into my soul and sets me free.
A Man is Kind
Tenderness and kindness are also critical. A woman wants a man to treat her like a woman, not like one of the guys. My husband is strong and forceful when he needs to be. But, in the way only a real man can, he is kind, tender, and gentle too. I see this as he comforts me when I am hurting, and I see it as he parents our children. Because he has been through some enormous difficulties in his life, he is compassionate and empathetic in ways only pain can teach. His kindness is evident in the way he speaks to me (and our kids), touches us, and listens to our hearts.
A Man is Godly
A real man desires to holy and purse God first. One of the things I respect most about Joel is that he is committed to following God and submitting himself to the sanctifying work of Jesus in his life. He wants to be more like Christ above all else. This affects everything about our relationship—it makes him humble, willing to admit when he is wrong, and committed to growth. It also makes him brave and wise. He holds himself to a high standard. I can trust Joel to lead our family because I know that He is being lead by God.
What do you think the most important aspects of a “real man” are?
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About Me
My name is Megan Hyatt Miller. I'm a little Emmilou Harris, a little Bonnie Rait, and a dash of Paula Dean—mostly because I identify with her unbridled use of butter and ample hips. I am passionate about living and telling a good story. I'm a wife, a stepmom and and an adoptive mom. I am passionate about adoption, racial reconciliation, and creating beauty and a sense belonging for those I love. To learn more, click here. Thanks for stopping by.
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August 24, 2010
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Michael Hyatt said:
I think you nailed it. I am so glad you waited for Joel. He was worth it!
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August 24, 2010
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Megan said:
He was totally worth the wait!
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August 24, 2010
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Meredith said:
Amen & here here! Ironic, I wrote something similar, perhaps a little less eloquently, from a single’s perspective here…http://meredithdunn.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/miss-independent-vs-miss-compensation/
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August 24, 2010
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Cassandra Frear said:
I’m with Michael. I think you nailed it, too. So refreshing.
Here’s a confession. I’ve gotten really tired of articles about what a woman wants in a man. I’ve been married for over 25 years, and I’ve been helping other women live fuller lives for over a decade. From my experience, these “experts” usually miss it entirely!
You nailed it, and I enjoyed reading your perspective.
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August 24, 2010
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Megan said:
Cassandra, thanks for your thoughts.
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August 24, 2010
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Sandra Parrotto (Sam) said:
I want a man who gets me – really wants to understand why I am constructed the way that I am, how I came to be me, why I feel defensive, selfish or jealous and finds me all the more fascinating because of it. I want a man who finds his way into himself because he is with me and can’t wait to discover the next mystery that I can reveal to him. This kind of intimacy is the sexiest thing.
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August 24, 2010
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angie_seattle said:
Megan -
Best wishes on your adoption journey. It is a slow process full of red tape and emotionally exhausting, but hang in there and the perfect child will come into your lives. Perfect for you. I adopted my daughter from China in 1999, and tomorrow she turns 12. Best thing I ever did.
Angie
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August 24, 2010
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Rocco said:
Great post!
I would like to share that as important as “A Man Takes Initiative” is, it is crucial for women to allow him to do so. In our society so many woman are encouraged to “Take Initiative” at everything they do. If your man isn’t taking initiative, let go of the “reins” and allow him to pick them up.
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August 24, 2010
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Megan said:
I totally agree. Sometimes I have to remind myself to do this! Thanks for the reminder.
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August 24, 2010
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Holiday Longing said:
Sometimes our men don’t act like our ideals. Sometimes they fall short.
Some of us Type A women feel that our men don’t take enough initiative as they could. We wind up taking control and sometimes lose respect.
So, how do we respect our men when we don’t?
I recently took two passages of Scripture and looked for the traits where they intersect.
The first is God’s self-disclosure from Exodus 34 5-7. The second is Galatians 5:22-23 – the fruit of the Spirit.
The traits shared by both God and the Spirit-nurtured Christian are love, gentleness, patience, self-control, faithfulness, and, kindness. I realized those aren’t traits like “takes initiative,” but the exact characteristics needed for the controlling females among us (which would be all of us). I can respect a man with these traits!!
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August 24, 2010
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Men’s Battle Plan said:
Wonderful post! Women need to expect nothing less.
Jesus is the template as well:
He loves us
He provides for us
He cares for us
He models for us
As men we should be doing the same so we can present our wives holy and blameless.
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August 24, 2010
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Megan said:
Well said. Jesus is certainly THE template. I’m thankful my husband was taking notes. Blessings, and thanks for your thoughts.
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August 24, 2010
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Liz said:
Great post! I’m sharing this with the other single women in my small group
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August 24, 2010
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karen miller said:
I agree with your dad – you nailed it – and I too am glad you waited for Joel and are a part of our family
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August 24, 2010
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Jackie M. Johnson said:
Great post! I write books for singles and today I shared your link with my FB readers and friends. Still looking myself, so your words have inpsired me today. Thanks!
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August 24, 2010
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Rissa said:
Megan,
I need you to know how important to me it was to read this! (Thanking your mom for posting this on twitter!) I come from the same exact singles end that you were in (hurt, a little older) and reading this makes me ever so hopeful and excited for what God *can* bring into my life. I am blown away at how you worded everything, it was like the thoughts came directly from my mind and heart into your writing hands. The timing and the delivery of this was so God ordained, praising Him for your obedience and joy to write this out to the world. I cannot thank God, you, and your mom enough for sharing this. You have an avid new reader and friend
In his hope,
Rissa
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August 24, 2010
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nigne said:
thans for great sharing
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August 25, 2010
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Sharyn said:
I have to agree that you got it right, and I’m trying hard not to be jealous! Sounds like God brought you a gift.
Sometimes, as women, we get too caught up in the surface things — looks, career, the car he drives — while failing to uncover the strength of his character. Forget the “nice guys.” Find yourself a good man! That’s what I’m looking for.
May God continue to bless you, Megan.
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August 25, 2010
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Jen said:
LOVE this! First of all, Joel gets a collective “Awwwww!” from the Gillett house! Second, I agree completely – secure love sets you free to dream and then grows to hold those dreams, however they end up. Wonderful post!
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August 25, 2010
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Marissa Hyatt said:
Meg,
This is a fabulous post! I couldn’t agree more. Seriously. I think you hit it on point about taking initiative. I have been in relationships where this is the exact thing that broke the relationship. I’d love to have you write a follow up post on how we as women are supposed to encourage these traits in men.
Love you! Keep up the awesome writing!
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August 27, 2010
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Shelia said:
I thought it was sweet how Joel kept re-tweeting about this post….until I realized he was the star.
Seriously, this is beautifully and perceptively written. It seems to me, as an old lady, that you have not been married long enough to be this wise. But, I suppose you were acquiring this wisdom in the unmarried years as well. Hence, your stellar choice.
What a gift this post is to men who want to love a woman well. And, what a gift for Joel to hear these words from you.
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December 12, 2010
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Mary Beth said:
Thanks for this post… I have shared it on facebook. I think the discouraging thing is that as a single in her mid 30s I just don’t see those things in single men my age.
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April 13, 2011
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kelsey williams said:
What a sweet post. Joel sounds like a great guy. I would write the same words about my husband! He is all these things and was definitely worth the wait!